


Don't Make Me Let Go

by attack_on_toast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, So much angst, i cant write these two without wanting to cry, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 07:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3372731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_toast/pseuds/attack_on_toast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Iwaizumi Hajime is diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, everyone is surprised. But no one is more heartbroken than Oikawa Tooru.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Make Me Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> Haha once again i have so many regrets
> 
> I actually wrote this ages ago and never ended up posting it, so i figured id better post it before i started hating it too much to actually do so
> 
> Beta-ed by Gabe even though she probably doesn't remember it

When Iwaizumi Hajime is diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, everyone is surprised. But no one is more heartbroken than Oikawa Tooru. In the six months since then, everyone has come to accept it. “Fate”, “inevitable, “unfortunate”, cold, detached words that suffocate Iwaizumi.

 

Whenever people talk to him, they always act like it’s the last time they’ll see him. They choose their words like fruit, only picking out the freshest and sweetest, the ones that they think will make him happy. They give him warm wishes and tell him that they love him. To Iwaizumi, it’s as if they want him to put a good word in with God for them after he’s gone, and it disgusts him.

 

Oikawa Tooru, on the other hand, does nothing of the sort, treating him the same way he always has. But as time goes on, exceptions start to show, the little ones that worm under Iwaizumi’s skin. He hates the way that Oikawa will let him pick the movie on Fridays, and how he doesn’t complain when Iwaizumi drags him away from the court at three in the morning, and especially when he doesn’t tease him when Iwaizumi quits the volleyball team because he can barely get the breath to run anymore.

 

And then there are the changes that Iwaizumi wishes had happened before, like the unabashed cuddles in the middle of the night when they’re both supposed to be asleep and the way Oikawa holds him whenever he has a coughing fit or the tiny kisses that take his breath away in the best way possible, and how, whenever he thinks Iwaizumi isn’t looking, Oikawa will look at him with that strange mixture of joy and love and sadness and fear.

 

Oikawa demands that Iwaizumi move in with him after high school, even though the doctors say he only has a year left. When his parents talk about how he’ll never be able to afford a two bedroom apartment when he’s on his own, he just laughs.

 

_But Iwa-chan will never leave me, right?_

 

His words earn him a punch to the shoulder.

 

_Don’t count on it, Assikawa._

 

Oikawa’s parents just smile sadly and nod.

 

_Don’t get too comfortable. It won’t last long._

 

Oikawa’s dad thinks Iwaizumi can’t hear him when he says it to his son, but he does and it kills every fiber of his being because he knows it’s true.

 

The day they move into their flat is easily one of the best of Iwaizumi’s life.

 

Iwaizumi insists on watching a movie even though there are half unpacked boxes everywhere, and Oikawa subsequently insists on watching the same alien flick they’ve both seen a million times and know by heart. But Iwaizumi agrees anyway, and before a fourth of the movie has passed neither of them are watching it because they’re both more focused on the cuddles and kisses and warmth of the other than whatever is happening on the screen.

 

That night they sleep on the couch, partially because they haven’t set up the beds yet and partially because they’re too lazy to get up, but also a little because they want to spend as long as possible together before it’s too late.

 

Of course Oikawa still has to go to college and practice for the volleyball team he joined, and Iwaizumi still has to go to the doctor’s office every week and then sit at home because his condition is too unstable for  him to get a job.

 

And they both just keep going.

 

Even after they set up their beds, they spend their nights snuggled on the couch because, though he’d never say it out loud, Oikawa is a little scared that if he lets Iwaizumi go, he might just disappear for good and never come back.

 

And Iwaizumi gets worse.

 

No matter how much he tries to deny it, no matter how much he says that the chemo and radiation are helping, no matter how hard he fights, he just keeps getting worse.

 

His heart hurts when he sees Oikawa crying.

 

_Worry about yourself, Assikawa. I’ll be fine._

But Oikawa knows he’s lying because he’s always tired, always cold, and because this morning he had woken to Iwaizumi passed out on the couch, choking on his own shallow breaths. But mostly because it's been nearly a year since they moved in and Oikawa knows that he can't live without Iwaizumi Hajime.

 

A week or so later, Oikawa wakes to the sound of Iwaizumi wheezing. It isn't unusual for them to wake up like this, and after a few minutes Iwaizumi should get better and the two of them can fall back to sleep. But not today. Today he keeps getting worse until he is breathing, but just barely and his eyelids are drooping and his pulse is so, so slow. Oikawa picks up the phone next to the couch and dials the number he memorized months ago, even though he had hoped he’d never have to use it.

 

After Iwaizumi is admitted to the hospital, Oikawa distracts himself by calling Iwaizumi’s parents. They are angry, storming into the waiting room, ready to confront Oikawa, but they soften when they see Oikawa a shaking, crying wreck.

 

When he finally gets to visit Iwaizumi, the nurse tells him that Iwaizumi is stable condition, but the doctors are still concerned.

 

_I’m sorry, but he won’t be able to go home for a while._

Oikawa nods. He understands what the nurse is trying to say.

 

_This may be the last time you get to see him._

When Oikawa finally reaches Iwaizumi’s room, he stands awkwardly at the door. He doesn’t exactly know the proper bedside manner when someone you love is dying.

 

_Come here, dumbass._

Oikawa throws himself at Iwaizumi and hugs him hard, not too hard, not hard enough. Iwaizumi lets out a laugh, and for one second they both forget how pale and skinny Iwaizumi is, how his voice is faint and hollow and his head is bald and prickly, and how he will probably die in a few days anyway.

 

They just hold each other.

 

It's awkward with Iwaizumi on the hospital bed and Oikawa kind of on top of him but still standing on the floor and there are tubes and wires to navigate around but neither of them really care as long as they're both here, together.

 

Over the next few days, they spent a lot of time talking about everything and nothing. Iwaizumi knows that he doesn’t have much time left, but he chooses to ignore it. Day by day, hour by hour, he can feel his life slipping away. His heart tells him to fight it, but his mind tells him to give up.

 

Oikawa is in the middle of animatedly telling a story about a rabbit, a car, and his mother when Iwaizumi interrupts him.

 

_Tooru, dumbass, I love you._

His voice is quiet and weak and Oikawa knows what this means.

 

_I love you too, Hajime._

Oikawa’s voice is quiet, too. He leans forward and kisses Iwaizumi’s forehead.

 

And Iwaizumi smiles and drifts off to sleep for the last time.

 

And Oikawa smiles a little too, since he knows that this is how Iwaizumi wanted to go.

 

But then the machines start beeping and they’re all too loud and all too real and the tears start clouding up his vision and running down his face and some nurse is telling him to let go of Iwaizumi’s hand.

 

_I won’t let go! I’ll never let go of my Iwa-chan! Don’t make me!_

And she keeps pulling him away.

 

_He’s gone, I’m so, so sorry, but he’s gone._

And even though he has to let go and even though there is nothing he can do anymore, he still keeps whispering his mantra to keep himself sane.

 

_Don’t make me let go, don’t make me let go._

And Oikawa knows that he hasn’t let go, that he’s still holding on to Iwaizumi, that the day that he lets go will be the end of him.


End file.
